Paid

baru balik dari kertih. penat. semalam naik bas pukul 2pagi. sampai pkl 6 pagi. laju giler driver tu tapi tak terasa pun sal... naik2 bas je terus terZZZZ...

horrible jugakla sebelum pergi sana. 2-3 hari sebelum g kertih along nangis tak renti-renti. mata bengkak je sepanjang masa. miserable... nobody could understand how emotional it was.

hari nak bertolak ke kertih pun along wat lewa2 je... bas pukul 3, pukul 2 baru kuar umah. tak tau nak cakap... excited but at the same time feeling like 'what's gonna happen next?'. when you know whne you'll die, you'll feel less excited but still dyingly want to do something you wanna do. reached kertih at 8.30pm. frens of mine fecth me dekat jejantas after traffic light rantau (it wasn't there 3 years ago rite?). then, check in a room in awan* kij*l. nasib baik ada kad kredit, if tak cemana nak bawak rm1000 cash tuk deposit tu... suprisingly i met my class a.k.a officemate masa tgh check in. j*mi macam mamat hip hop.. sampai tak kenal dibuatnye :P

awan* kij*l... not bad, the room is osso not bad... but many things make it doesn't worth it price per nite..
1. remote TV kene tekan lama2 baru OK.
2. flush rosak.
3. sejadah dapat hari last duk situ. isk3x...
4. kesukaran membukak pintu bilik.
5. suasana tak best.
6. takde brown sugar. hahak.

kertih... a memorable place.. spent a nite jalan2 tempat yg dulu2 biasa lalu, kampung baru.. jalan cempaka... :) cuma xgi mc donald.

alhamdulillah... semua misery agak hilang. jumpa kawan2... even xjumpa new friends except a guy from mlng & ogp, but jumpa kawan2 especially old friends is enough to release heat from my head. & mengeratkan hubungan dgn oficemate especialy aima & erik. then i feel more myself.

and my old friend. pasang surut. but still like before.

walaupun demikian, it's still a little vibration in my relationship with somebody. it's always like that... some misunderstanding, and ketidakpuasan hati.

biasala. life. something to pay for the price of something.

and paid.

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Speculative

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
~Daniel Powter~

Straight from My Gut...

F.O.R.T.U.N.E. what the hell is it?

1. An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another

2. A large amount of wealth or prosperity

3. An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that leads to a favourable outcome

4. Your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you)

in bahasa it's simply called R E Z E K I.
until now i still do not understand what fortune really is. is it happiness? or wealthiness? or healthiness?

when somebody get married then the rest would say "rezeki dia.." is marriage a fortune? i knew that a marry-at-early-age woman is berkah. i am not married, so am i not berkah? am i that bad? but when i mention that i wanna get married why the respective company will say "dah gatal sangat ke.. takleh nak sabar dah.."

sincerely, IF i don't have MALE friends that may lead myself into any wicked stuffs i may not think about this seriously. this made me think several times.. WHY does ALLAH let me to experience such this skanky life that drives me crazy many times than giving me a family... i pray everyday for having a good husband whom able to hold my hand and take to a place called heaven. but it is like a bullshit. i lie to myself, and to others too. my life becomes miserable without anyone knows about it.

i should not publish this to public, but i'm sick. i am not a kinda gurl that look at any sinful thing as a small matter. i used to deceive my friends, several times and i finally regret. even if it was not purposely a lying but to hide something that cannot be known by anybody, but in fact i told them lies. i felt sinful. guilty. and regret until today. i am marked in my record book by sir 'atid as "liar". terrible isn't it.
why my life is so puzzled. IF i could choose, i wanna get close to my family. but nothing to choose.. i'd been chosen to walk in the puddle of the mud.

why?

i guess i know the answer...

fear Allah. i am very afraid. i do not sure where am i now. or am i doing the right things.

i am very notty.

i fail to perform as His virtuos slave.

keji.

busuk.

huduh.

dual personality that i have confused me. like numanuma that i do not understand sepatah haram. which path should i step into? rasa bersalah yang teramat. tak mampu nak balik semula. hitam. keji. keji. keji. bersalah pada Al-Amalulillah.

i tried to live like others. as usual. take it easy. but in the end i'll find myself confuse again. feeling guilty again. again. and over again. then live as usual again. then guilty again.

i seek for help. i dunno where's the answer. too noisy.

i don't desperately want his love, but i need HIS love. dear ALLAH, why do you test me like hell. i'm burning. i'm a deadmeat.

ya ALLAH... ya ALLAH.. ya ALLAH...~~


Berdoalah,nescaya aku perkenankan untukmu

Apabila Allah melepaskan lidahmu untuk memohon,ketahuilah bahawa Allah hendak memberi kamu.

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kekuatan
Allah memberiku kesulitan agar aku menjadi kuat

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kebijaksanaan
Allah memberiku masalah untuk di pecahkan

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kesejahteraan
Allah memberiku akal untuk berfikir

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah keberanian
Allah memberiku bahaya untuk kuatasi

Ketika kumohon Allah sebuah cinta
Allah memberiku orang orang bermasalah untuk ku tolong

Ketika ku mohon kepada Allah bantuan Allah memberikanku kesempatan

i just wanna be. someone who is.. good. must be very expensive, huh! huge price to pay. large energy. monstrous effort. gigantic hope. sacrifice.

Ha Ha.. Tak Tahu

aku tak paham betul. beberapa perkara.

bila kena dekat orang:
tu la balasan sebab selalu sangat TUUUUT. padan muka!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
ni semua ujian Allah...

bila kena dekat orang:
huh. anak si TUUUT tu kene tangkap khalwat. ape punya bapak, anak sorang pun tak terjaga.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
iman tak dapat diwarisi dari yg ayah bertakwa...

bila kena dekat orang:
ni semua pasal si X tu tak laksana hud*d. padan muka dia.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
ni semua pasal si X tu tak laksana hud*d. habis kita pun kena sama!

bila kena dekat orang:
bodoh!tolol!bangang!haprak!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
kalau tak buat silap, bukan manusia, malaikat la tu...

bila kena dekat orang:
tengok si X tu. hari2 pakai short pants aje. mmg tak reti jaga aurat betul. liberal!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
dah puas aku nasihat adik aku tp dia tak dgr. takpela, aku dah usaha kan nasihat dia?

bila kena dekat orang:
jahil!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
belajar kan dari dalam buaian sampai ke liang lahad...

bila kena dekat orang:
dia main kroni. semua kasik anak beranak dia aje.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
pakcik M tu sepupu mak, mesti dia boleh tolong kau.

bila kena dekat orang:
budak tu keje kat mana? ooo kompeni YYY? tak heranla, main kabel.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
aku keje kat kompeni YYY. alhamdulillah abg aku keje kat sana, senang la sikit dia adjust.

bila kena dekat orang:
tu pakai selekeh tu mmg konfem drug addict.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
aku pakai selekeh macam ni utk bersederhana...

bila kena dekat orang:
tak adil! jahat!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
kita cuma manusia biasa, tak lari dari buat kesilapan...

bila kena dekat orang:
ish baju... lip lap lip lap. tabarruj sungguh. tak baik tol pompuan ni.
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
sekali sekala apa salahnya pakai baju lip lap lip lap.

bila kena dekat orang:
apa la dengar lagu omputeh ni. maksiat! liberal!
eh eh bila kena dekat kita:
hmmm~ syoknya lagu impian kasih ni... hihi... rasa cam nak kawin je~~~

bullshiiii~t.

Aku dan Perempuan

bored to death... no kb, no auntie chan, no mia.. i closed all nerve to sleep, no answer for phone calls, no sms replied.

tak tahula sekarang ni macam mana.

when i was a little girl, i was hoping for becoming a boy so that i'd get at least more freedom than what girls have. a girl, especially a kampung girl, has lot of pantangs. that's why i used to be called tomboi during my childhood.

my life as a girl started as i entered university. that place made me accept that a normal girl should has a feeling towards boy not to other girls. miahaha. but it doesn't work that good. i failed everytime i face those creatures (guys), i don't have skill to serve them as what a girl should. some of my friends said that i am a kinda seduce-man-ability even if i am not much pretty cos the way i talk may attracts guys. in other word is 'gatai' or 'merenyam'. is it? i do not know and do not even aware...

being a girl is hell.

bila diam so pemalu, tak aktif, pasif, kolot, kampung, tak open minded.
bila bising so galak,taktau adab, tak tau malu.

bila tak campur lelaki so anti sosial, tak open, sombong, janggal.
bila campur laki so gatal, merenyam, gelenyar.

bila shoping so membazir, perabis duit, kaki kikis.
bila tak shoping so kedekut, kupik, cimat.

bila mekap so macam lawa, tak natural beauty.
bila tak mekap so pucat, tak pandai bergaya, selekeh.

bila pandai sangat so ego, agas, perasan best.
bila tak pandai so bodoh, tak reti apa2, bendul, mr bean.

bila lemah lembut so ayu sangat, xleh wat keje, susah nak deal.
bila ganas so garik, lawan fitrah, takleh wat bini.

cut the crap!

Topsy-Turvy

kadang2 rasa nak tutup je la blog ni. xde pekdah pun. like a hassle je. tak pandai tulis, takde pengajaran, bahasa tak best, susah nak paham... etc. etc.

but again.. who cares..? ;)

i just read a blog of my.. ehem.. an old crush. obviously, not a he, but she. hoho.. kinda gay.. no la.. it was an old school story. everybody around me makes me cringe and flinch. not a little but obstrusively.

those days... what a heaven. i miss the moment at every inch. even if lots of controversion and hidden sinful things done but it was just for fun. why that teen aged was such that Shangri-La? we never have to worry about money, homeworks (tiru), studies (dah tere hahak), and the biggest problem that we didn't have to mind about, boys. it was a true freedom... having a 'gurlfren' was not a problem.. we could hang out and holding hands exhibitly :) damn i really miss that moment!

but time flies... i dunno what happen to most of them especially my beloved lalim-lalim shazliniazni. where is she? i could not find her... and osso that old crush,(her name is as*lah) what she's actually doing? working as a nurse? or what?

naim lilbanat... i still can feel the smell. i wasn't famous those days and i don't think people know me. but i miss det school, demn.. the biggest memory is during my short stay at hostel (after PMR trial blah tros)... my own dorm was just a place to sleep, change cloth and keep my belongings. miahaha~ the rest was at ayu's dorm at the old hostel building. ayu? she marries our teacher's son.. :)

once, she got red-eyes, and we asked the warden to allow us go out to the hospital where my dad was working. there was lots of patients and i was thinking about being late to come back to the hostel. luckily my dad came and told the registration counter "this girl is my niece so please let her go inside earlier cus she has to report back to the hostel before 4". later then her name was called. haha.

it was another phase of my naim's life. the first phase was very aching. i lost most of them. it was my fault for being so greedy. too prehensiled to have someone, then i lost everyone. and it was not run smooth. stumbled.. fell.. and buried. i dunno where they are. at least most of them cuz i am now connecting to fiza & ad. and osso fiona noor aishah :) the model. she used to be my friend. we used to ponteng kelas & curi makan masa kelas together. but today, does she still remember me? or i am just a hunk for her? doesn't matter la...

and those who still close to me until now, won't say "you change a lot" as what i got from as*lah and some of ex-naimians. but they'll say "you are still the same topsy-turvy along that i knew 10 years ago" is it, efie? efie, you are crazy...

the rest like tett, akh, ani, mcyah and whatsoever.. we attached after leaving naim. in another jail..

:)
miss you gurls..we rawk!!!

Are Peace...

i was 17 at our very first time met. it was 7 years ago. he caught my eyes as i saw him during the orientation week wherein i was in facilitators' group. he was gorgeous, got own style that made him another boy than the rest of the fresh juniors. he was very cute that time with his stylish hair and his smart appearence.

i didn't remember my first step, but obviously i made it. via a couple of letters and cards maybe. and there was a very good response. but, most of the time he shy and the most intimate moment we ever had during schooling was at PPI's dinner, we took picture together but fortunately i dunno where the picture is now.

he is a kinda special someone. but since we stay far apart, it is not easy to maintan the warmth of this kind of relationship. to keep in touch is easy but to stay IN TOUCH is not as easy as pressing handphone's button. but until now i still do not know his family, i just heard about them from him but never meet them. in fact, only TODAY he met my family!

months back, i smsed him, just to say hi but no reply. it was a little thwarted, and i tot i was nothing for him. then i gambled, viewing his frenster and sent a message telling that i changed my contact number. suprisingly he sms me then. rupa2nya hp lama kene cilok... ;p

later then, we decided to go out together today. in fact i had another appointment but it was OK for 2-in-1 dating. he fetched me at 12.30am with his V6 :)) he looked different than last time i saw him 4 years back. a bit fatter but still cute :) i asked him to bring me to the banks then we went to KB mall for lunch. we had pizza atlantis, with no side order.. hoho... i tot he wanted to have more than that but it was all i could afford since my cheque was rejected by maybank.. whoaaaa...!!!

i dunno why i should write about him. maybe i miss him so much, or maybe i still suprised meeting him today. but he's so special.. even if we did not ever share anything or any special live moment together, mostly by chatting & phonecall but ours is great. everytime we get contacted, his common question is "how is seterika karan?" :D it was so anamnesis.

i hope ours would be forever. but sadly he'll fly to japan this march. for 4 years. doing his engineering studies.

my blue eyed boy... MOHD. HAFIZ.

HyMn

it's been so long... i involve i blog writing... but non of my entry is beneficial. wtf! but wait... set back baby.. who cares?

time flies, i turn 24 this year :) not a good number combination. old enough. and still ugly. while, in hijrah year, i am 25 this 1427. wow! a quarter decade!

age maybe nothing, but what we've been through all these years back.. would be paid some time in the future. i heard a lot from several people to stop thinking about past and start to look ahead. it's something that very hard for me to think. i was very impress this morning, i woke up and prepare my little brother to school. something that i couldn't have in my normal daily life. my happiness is cuddling inside my family's warmth... but everything is over as i climb the ladder of ageing.

being an adult is not a kinda freedom. so mussy. inside and outside. see what.. those who did commit suicide were adults. i don't think kids have brain-damaging problem as what faced by adults.

now i really hope for a petronas plant to be built in kelantan. nobody could offers a better life but my own family.

A Kinda..

It's a kinda..what r.. I know I am not a good person, not even an OK-OK person. But it is a real offending when people classify ME regarding what I mark during pilihanraya. With that I am a real jerk, real bad, hooligan, damn, renegade, etc.

These are the damn questions I ever heard and made me laugh. To be fair, I put the answers osso:

Q1. Hang joing Puteri berapa ratus derang bayar sebulan?
A1. 2 juta. Naper? Nak join jugak? Takdenye derang nak baya.. Ape igt I ni mata duitan ke?

Q2. Bapak hang tu salu pergi party ke?
A2. A'ah. Salu jugakla pegi birthday party sedara-mara kitorang. Pe punya soklan da~

Q3. Tol ke kalo nak keje gomen kene isi borang UMNO dulu?
A3. Hang ni mengaji sekolah ke tak?

Q4. Hang pakai canie (refer to my attire) mesti orang P*S kan?
A4. Takla, I orang Islam.

Q5. Famili hang mesti seme orang UMNO?
A5. *senyum* Takde r. Ramai je yg bukan. Tapi kami hidup happy & harmoni sebab xde orang yang kata kami musuh derang.

Enoughla tu. I am not that smart nor high knowledge. But when comes to this thing, for me it's not good to accuse anybody or even prejudge anybody, especially for youngsters. They just grab it from elders and digest it without further checking.

Why don't we live without prepossesing..cos we are Muslims those should be united. From my little experience so far, not everybody in the team (so-called Islam Team) take care of their daily recitation or Mutaba'ah. It's really hard rite? If.. you can ever take care of your own Mutaba'ah, why you dare to put hukum hakam on anyone else. This what I get from my previous usrah, START FROM YOURSELF. IF you always fail to fulfil your Mutaba'ah, so why your mouth is very fast to blame others, especially the government. You think by preaching your belief then you are right la... Don't forget the devil is standing inside each of us, not only me but also YOU!

I am not an opposition, apart of it, I also likely to work for Islam but I don't like the way some of those fighters play with it. Everybody works for Islam but why only your Islam is right and others are wrong? But you never involve in any 'ajaran sesat' extinguishing. It's better you take care of those ajaran sesat, black metal, JIT, etc. rather than fight for nothing like what you are doing all this while.

Adik2 yg kat luar sana, plzla jgn berfikiran singkat. Jangan hanya nampak penentang Islam dari kalangan kafir semata2... dan penentang Islam adalah kafir... Lihat perpecahan di kalangan umat Islam yg berlaku seluruh dunia.. Perang saudara di Iraq.. etc. semuanya Islam tp berperang. Sana tak ada UMNO kot...

But I really apreciate my frens yang tak pilih bulu. Hang nak pangkah apa hang punya pasal la, sedangkan Allah mencipta manusia berbangsa2 supaya berkenal2an, inikan pula berpangkah2.. Semua pun sama saja. Look inside ourselves, fix it first as what had been said by Iman Hassan 'TEGAKKAN ISLAM DI HATIMU SUPAYA IA TEGAK DI BUMIMU'.

I'll support anyone who works for Islam but I hate those people yg likely to DIA AJE YANG BETUL TAPI SATU HAPAH PUN TAK BUAT, KALO BUAT PUN SAMA AJE DGN ORANG YG DIKATA TAK BETUL TU. sapa makan hotdog dia rasa best la~

Cringe when we face Yg Maha Esa. In front of Him, we are nothing.

Allahuakbar!

Kesian Dier...

yesterday my sis sms me from India and she gave me a funny statement from her mate.. "Awak nampak baik tapi tak sangka awak UMNO!"

kesian budak tu... buta kayu ke apa. sepatutnya kene masuk kelas pemulihan dulu ni. orang macam ni ke nak jadi pejuang Islam?

wwaaRRRGGHHHH!!!!

this must be the most hectic time in my life. i have 3 things to be settled in less than 24 hours! all are bigs!

i dunno what happen to my life, but since last week, everything is going red.. and sometimes pink. it's not because of gong xi fa cai. huhu... hm.. i dunnot sure... but i like this feeling. everything makes me smile even if i am extremely exhausted. not enough sleep or even rest. even, not enough water but extra food! (and so my digestion system is very2 bad). but i like this. yes i am right when i said "when doing something we love or to someone we love, we'll never feel tired.." but this statement sounds very weird to a species called MEN. they'll feel tired no matter how deep are their loves on you ;p

this is 8.30pm and i'm still in the office. i can't recognize what is playing in my mind. everything is sommersaulting.. WARGHHHHH!!! enough to stress me. but i feel a bit peace in mind, coz i can hear the good things whispering "it is just around the corner..." i feel so tired, but yet so happy.. and hopefully this is not a fake murmur...

i don't care.. if i have to pay a huge price, cos for what have been done on me was very tough and i wanna leave everything behind. hopefully.. tomorrow would create a new chapter in my life..

if by june still nothing changes, i will delete this entry, please remind me...

Life Without Lying

it's hard to live with no lie... even i did it since 3 years ago. i tried to find a life without hypocracy but it seems like very impossible. that makes me realize that it's life. i am tired lying, like what i did to my bestfriends, and mostly my roomate. it was so bad, she cursed me for deceived her and made my life unhappy sincerely. but after i told her what truth was and amazingly everything had change.. our life becomes more meaningful, and more laughter.

but life has no sincererity. if it does, the newspaper journalist can't find for food (cari makan) haha!

that's why the hardest JIHAD is to say the truth in front of unfair leader, and saying the truth is really2 hard. and that's why beside Mukmin & Kafir, there's also Munafik.

Hehe

I just came back from home yesterday and tomorrow nite I’m going home again. Yea yeah~ :D everybody who concerns is wondering, what the hell is happen then this girl is likely to go back home. Amik annual leave lagi. Kawin ke? Tunang ke?

Nothing to do with that la. Hmm.. but if it's gonna happen, I must be some kind of lucky.. for having it in my diary this year. I feel very alone and lonely recently. Yet, I'm not a girl but not yet a woman. I think this time is more difficult than transition phase from a kid to a teenager. During that time, I wasn't alone and I can't see any stressful thing other than my studies. But now, everything stresses me.

Jiwakacau

sebagai manusia biasa, tak ada sesiapa yg wajar mengatakan diri perfek, atau lebih baik dari yang lain. kerana kita tak tahu, apa hakikatnya yang berlaku. walaupun dikurniakan hati yang lapang, rezeki yang murah, keluarga yang bahagia namun keupayaan utk berfikir itulah yang utama, atas apa jua yg kita perolehi.

hidup ini seperti melihat pelangi. cantik, menarik namun tidak wujud. kita tidak akan memiliki pelangi, malah sesiapa juapun. jika kita melihat pelangi itu berada di atas kepala seseorang, sesungguhnya dia tidak mendapatinya. seharusnya kita berasa rendah hati dan rendah diri, kerana apa yang kita miliki, bukanlah punya kita. apa yang kita ada..? harta? apabila kita mati ia bukan milik kita lagi. pangkat? bila orang lain berkuasa, apa gunanya pangkat itu ntuk kita? malah nyawa sekalipun bukan punya kita... bila2 masa saja boleh diambil kembali.

jiwakacau... hatisyahdu... kenapa harus semuanya berlaku padaku? ke mana perginya semangat jihad yang pernah beraja? ke mana sirnanya laung perjuangan yang pernah menggegar dada? pernahkah terfikir..? apakah nur jihad itu milik kita? apakah petunjuk Allah itu percuma?

Crazy Gurl!

aha, nobody is crazy. but i like like to say those jerking words lately. it reminds me to my cousin, irsyad. CRAZY GURL! oh what a satisfaction when i can say it in the public (but never say it loudly).

i feel not so good these days. my stomach cramps (thought i am pregnant without any sexual intercourse like mary maybe? :P) because i ate too much during last weekend!

CRAZY GURL!

No idea

BEFORE INDUCTION:
Demn Bored

DURING INDUCTION
Bored -> OK -> Enjoy!

AFTER INDUCTION
Loyalty
Integrity
Professionalism
Cohesiveness

NOW
Demn… Bored

It was a long break… very sweet. But somehow it ruins my mood to concentrate on my job. But however it does help me to know a little bit about other discipline like process, operation, economic, etc. no can do with structural anymore :P But I’m still doing structural engineering.
Look at my calendar, everyweekend is booked. Kawin sana, kawin sini :) but not mine la. I don’t know when will be the right time talk about this. Life now is still at hectic level, physically and emotionally. My sis called from Katnataka telling about her scary exam but looks like she enjoys travelling to Bangalore and Southern India. It was a bit controversial when she decided and went to India to take her medicine course. Voices like "Apsal takgi UK?""Apsal pilih India?""Sijil laku ke?""Iktiraf ke?" etc. But my dad did the some feasibility studies before sending his daughter to Manipal Medical College (MMC) to ensure that college is capable to produce a prestige doctor. From his colleagues at Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II (formerly known as HKB), then he concluded, "You better go. The specialists at my office said that if she has any kids wanna do medicine, she’ll sent them to India". Then in September, my sis flew to Manipal. It maybe not as popular as Ireland, UK, US, etc. but she’s doing great. The Indian don’t speak Tamil but English so her Tamil/Urdu vocab is very little.
My sis, she’s a very brave girl. Even braver than all the boys in our house (including dad). She’s more like our mom, brave, quiet, garang but very kind, generous and witty. I am more alike dad; cool, friendly, cute :P And she loves cats. But I don’t. I was just pretending when playing with Fahrin (arwah), Ayuni (arwah gak), Cheq (arwah jugek), Tompok, Shiro & Hitam (dah beranak ke ek?). :D very-very notty la. My task was just to feed them but my sis’s tasks were to feed them properly and on time, to wash them, to treat them, to teach them, to cure them and everything under the sky to do on them. And my killer statement was "You kan doktor, memang patut belajar treat patient by treating those cats!" :D
She is the very good friend of mine, besides my best friends. When we both at home, mom will be busy cos we’ll have no time to help her. Only if one of us weren’t home so mom will have an assistant. But she’s already has a permanent assistant (or more like a penyibuk), my little bro.
Eh, I miss the gurls in my house very much..

Am I That Beauty?

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Goodbye PERMATA

then i have to say good bye to PERMATA after almost 3 weeks sleep, eat, play, enjoy myself in here.

this is the most memorable place in my life after leaving UTP. so many things happen to me.. during the induction and post induction. i dont care if anyone else may notice it or not, but deep inside myself, it's terrible because nobody can help it...

i don't like to be such this desperate creature but like it or not, life must go on. i am not a kid anymore, even my english teacher said that "you are more than adults". so what... but my life is still incomplete.

these 3 weeks was a great time for me. and please me a lot. dont have to think much, just let my inner voice out. remember the first nite here we had karaoke (even if suara lagi sedap dari katak je). hung out to midvalley, mines, alamanda, etc. it was lot more fun than walking alone in suria KLCC. :))

but for sure this induction finally gave me lots of frens, whom i could ask to join me for lunch later :))

but it's not what i wanna say. i'm quite sad. sad to leave something that please you a lot. :)) so many thigns to write in this very limited time.

but ELP is much better than induction!!!

(sedey kene balik ofis...)
ELP! ELP! MMMppppphhhhhaaaaahhh!!!

It's...

3 week without any news... :) where i've been? induction... you wotn find any place as boring as this... first day... was soooo boring like hell! second day in sri dinar.. also the same... and end up with boring closing ceremony!

lucky i enrolled in english class.. which was conducted for not-so-73-above execs :P i had lot of fun :))

(i shouldn't write much in english cos my english is still below intermediate :P)

Why We Shouldn't Put All Eggs in One Basket

1. we'll lost all of them once we drop the basket.
2. if our basket is stolen, we don't have egg anymore.
3. we have no more egg to buy other basket if we misplace it.
4. if our mother took our eggs for her new recipe, she won't pay for it.
5. when someone wanna buy our eggs, he will insist to get the lowest price because he thinks those eggs are the last stocks.

we now have the baskets. baskets are everywhere. big baskets, small baskets, basket ball.. :P when we save a data in our external disc, i.e. floppy disc, thumbdrive, cd, etc. we should save a copy in our hard disk so that if our external disc crashed, we still have back up.

we can't copy money. but we can multiply them. we are not taking somebody else's money, but be witty by knowing baskets those may multiply our money, then we put our money in them. will our money multiplied in our wallets? will it multiplied in supermarket? wil it multiplied in handphone stores? will it multiplied in banks? will it multiplied in any financial institution? etc. we should be good enough to seek for the suitable place to make our money multiply. don;t go for skim cepat kaya because it's actually miss one alphabet, P after the last A. it was skim cepat kayap.

find your right baskets.

10 Reasons Why I Put All My Eggs in One Basket

1. i have no egg.
2. cos i have only 1 egg.
3. it's a trash basket and the egg i put in it is the broken one.
4. i only have one basket.
5. i need all my egg, so dropping a basket with one egg is better than dropping the basket with all my eggs.
6. they look pretty in a basket.
7. peer pressure.
8. i can't carry more than a basket.
9. teamster rule.
10. because i want to.

that's why i put all my eggs in a basket.

please don't try this at home. don't put all your eggs in a basket. if you can, make it 3 baskets..
1. for your daily meal.
2. for your protection.
3. for your saving & investment.

DO IT TODAY! cos tomorrow you may be have several kids and you may have no time to separate your eggs!!!

Sepp

The Save word has some meaning:

As an action:

• Saving (economics), to save money
• Save (sport) - to stop a goal or maintain the lead
• To save a document in computer file management (see also Saving a webpage)
• A saved game is the saved progress of a player in a video game

As a place:

• The river Save or Sava, in Eastern Europe, a tributary of the Danube.
• The Save, a river in southern France, tributary of the Garonne.
• The river Save or Sabi, in Zimbabwe and Mozambique.
• Savé, a town in Benin.

aku suka save yang berada di baris ke-4 :P

Anak Kita, Anak Orang, Anak Orang tp Kita Jaga...

kita ada anak. kita jaga dengan penuh kasih sayang bak menatang minyak yang penuh. apa ndak semua bagi. ye la, anak kan. bila anak kita dalam 5-6 tahun, ada orang nak anak kita. mengaku anak kita tu anak dia. siap bawak masuk court, siap wat dna test. last2 tatau cemana, anak kita dia yang dapat. dah tu kita nak buat cemana, mmg dah tak dapat kat kita dah. so, dah anak tu jadi anak dia, kita pun frust la. takdela nak tatang macam dulu. kalo jumpa kat kedai pun bagi seposen dua je la, takde la nak bagi rm50.

pastu orang yang mengaku mak bapak pada anak kita tu datang marah2. cakap kita tak pedulikan anak sendiri, padahal dia yang beria2 nak anak kita, mengaku anak dia lak tu. abis tu? kita nak buat cemana? patutnya yang mengaku mak bapak dia tu la yang first priority jaga anak dia dengan baik2, pastu kalo nak mintak support dengan kita sikit2 tu bolehla... ni nak kita jugak yang jaga, yang sara... bis tu pe hal nak amik anak kita?

bila anak kita tak berpelajaran tinggi, keje pun tak sebagus mana, kita cakapla "sian budak ni, kalo duk ngan aku dulu kan mesti dah masuk U & keje gomen". tibe2 plak orang tu marah2 "oo, kalo jadi anak ko baru ko nak sapot masuk U ye". patut ke cakap camtu? dah anak kita mestila kita prioritize, kalo dah anak orang tu, takkan la kita yg nak sibuk2 kan? mak bapak dia pandai2 la.. sapa suh nak anak.

tol tak anak Kelantan?

Heart Broken

"idup ni macam anak panah, kita dah aim betul2, target betul2.. tp bila angin datang, ia boleh bawa kita jauh drp apa yg kita harapkan..."

- adopted from Laila Isabella.

Final Countdown

this is the very last moment of ramadhan 1426... actually the end of ramadhan.. tonite, no more terawikh, tomorrow no more sahur and no more fasting.

so sad to see its leaving. i cried a lot this late afternoon because ramadhan will ends, and the team of darn devil will come back very-very soon! even during no-devil-month i still couldn't manage many things, how about when all types of dickens are here... urgh! can't imagine it.

i was a bit regret for not optimizing this ramadhan for not doing good deeds as much as i can. what more than enduring hunger and thirst for the whole day? but what bygone bygone... nothing left but the preparation to celebrate the eid al-fitr.

thanks Allah for giving us this chance...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI.. MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.
HALALKAN SEMUA PERKARA YANG TAK TERDAYA NAK DISEBUT.

Akhir Ramadhan

Ya Allah,

Segala puji²an bagi-Mu, selawa dan salam ke atas junjungan kami Muhammad SAW, para keluarga dan sahabar baginda.

Ya Allah, ampunilah segala dosa2ku, dosa kedua ibubapaku, para pendidikku, pendampingku, ahli2 keluargaku, para muslimin, para mukminin, para mujahidin... samada yg hidup atau yg telah tiada.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya hamba-Mu ini lemah, aku tak berdaya untuk menolak segala anasir yang datang. sesungguhnya hamba-Mu ini buta, aku tak mampu melihat kebenaran yg hakiki. sesungguhnya hamba-Mu ini tuli, aku tak mampu mendengar segala kebaikan yang Kau perintahkan. Ya Allah ampunkanlah segala perbuatanku. aku amat keji dan hina mengadap-Mu. namun sifat egois dalam diri ini terus menutup segala maluku terhadap-Mu.

Ya Allah, janganlah Kau hukum aku dengan hukuman yang aku tak sanggup menghadapinya. jangan Kau uji daku dengan ujian yang aku tak sanggup merentasinya. jauhkanlah daku daripada segala tekanan dan regangan yang akhirnya boleh membawa kepada keruntuhan jiwa. jauhkanlah daku dan pendampingku dari api neraka-Mu.

Ya Allah, kurniakanlah rahmat-Mu ke atasku. permudahkanlah perjalananku. bimbinglah daku menuju ke jalan-Mu. aku hanya hamba-Mu yang sesat, bawalah daku ke pangkal jalan duhai Allah yang Maha Pengasih, Pemurah lagi Maha Pengampun. Kasihilah daku, dan kasihanilah daku, hamba-Mu yang hina dina, miskin, muflis, korup, etc. jadikanlah hatiku medan pertembungan ilmu-ilmu bermanfaat, dan perbaikkanlah akhlakku, sebagaimana Kau memperbaikkan kejadianku.

Ya Allah terangilah hatiku seterang hati para Rasul-Mu, fasihkanlah lidahku dalam berbicara tentang ilmu-Mu, jauhkan daku dari segala bala bencana dan kejahatan. Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan nasibku ditentukan oleh diriku senditi walau dalam sekelip mata, bimbinglah daku, jadikanlah pengelihatanku adalah Mu, percakapanku adalah Mu, perbuatanku adalah Mu.
Ya Allah, makbulkanlah doaku dan doa mereka semua yakni doa yang baik2 dan jauhilah kami dari bala dan doa orang yg dengki.

Ya Allah, sekiranya Ramadhan tahun ini bukan yang terbaik buatku, berikanlah aku kesempatan ntuk bertemu Ramadhan tahun yg akan datang, dan jadikanlah Ramadhan itu, Ramadhan terbaik buatku.

Ya Allah ampuniku... Please give me a better life..

Ameen...

Sucks HP Line...

i dunno what happen to maxis. the best coverage kepala hotak dia, dah dua malam sik boleh call out, receive call & sms! tempat lain bleh plak! my dad call from KB dapat, from KL dapat. apakah bala yg menimpa kampungku!!!

OK ot not OK?

"are you OK?"
"yes, but..."

"are you OK?"
"i'm OK" smile "but..."

"are you OK?"
"sure!" grin "but...:

"are you OK?"
"OK la.." a meaningful smile.

those are little conversations that give us a picture of how beautiful being a Malay. Malays always give other answers before telling the truth. to know the meaning is not to listen to the words, but other language, i.e. body and intonation. that makes Malays beautiful because you have to master soft skills before talking to Malays, and to seduce Malay girls (wakaka).

am i OK? frankly i am not OK. i am not OK cos i dont know whether i am OK or not. when people ask me questions such as "how are you?" i dont know what to answer. but to be polite i'd say "fine, thank you" :P sad to say, these days is the most hectic moment in my life. everything is running out of control. now i am just like a doll, just be here cos i suppose to be here. just, follow the flow... i have no control button in my hand. i just walk as i was programmed to walk. is this called life?

i end my dream with another dream. and keep on dreaming. again and again, over and over again. the life enthiusm has gone as i did not reach my dream out. i always want to live happily with persons those i love but yet i am lonely. but when i move into my other friends', they are lonely too. luckily we have permanent job that we have to think about, at least could reduce these loneliness.

when other friends talking and preparing to settle down, deep in my heart i gets a little scratch. but i deny it. it ain't that important but yet i really want to have a family of my own. but again i deny it. too many excuses. still young, unstable job, responsibilities to my family, not enough experience, so many things to do, etc. i can't hardly wait for my 28's. i hope at that age, i'd have a very strong foundation of my ownself, rich enough, mature enough, lots of friends those can make me forget about how lonely my 23's is. and able to settle down by myself. and strong enough to smile and be patient on what Allah has given me.

even if i have a lot of friends, but still no such that charming person to fill my heart's void. i think he died many years ago, before meeting me :))

Nahhh.... All Are Idiots!

we love to argue about something we don't know and totally out of our scope. but for the things we should give concern we don't do it properly. and we rather believe in rumours than go out to seek for the truth and knowledge. i m really afraid if this symptom extended to our next generation and the purity of the knowledge especially Islamic knowledge will be destroyed! nowadays especially, even we don't know, if we a given a words of wisdom, either it is hadith, of Islamic scholars' saying or even orientalists'! even in hadith we have hadith dhaif, hadith sahih, hadith hasan, etc... but we are totally don't know! how can we diffferentitate if we dont have any knowledge regarding hadith. in solah, we don;t know which are wajib, which are sunat etc. we perform solah becoz we were told to do so. but we like to call ourselves 'true and pure Muslims' or even 'Muslim's fighters' but in fact what make us Muslim is only our bins and bintis.

with our little knowledge we love to argue about something like we are phD holders from Pondok Haji Deraman and even blame those 'ulama' who were brought from Islamic studies institute. with our little move in Islamic movement, we tend to put ourselves at a special place and throw others in the drain. even, the funniest thing is, with our very limited knowledge we have fearless to think like we are the next Malaysia's prime minister. that's nothing wrong, but we have nothing in our brain just rumours... we seek knowledge from complaints, blames, condemns, etc. how many of us loves to read about the current issues? how many of us knows WHAT IS REALLY HAPPEN in iraq, palestine, indon, etc, with fact & evident? how many of us knows WHAT IS REALLY HAPPEN when oil price raising up? how many of us knows WHAT IS REALLY HAPPEN in kota bharu bandaraya Islam? nobody knows because we just.. 'heard about it'.

why don't we reincarnate and fill up ourselves with pure knowledge so that we may tend to think like wise men not idiots. and making everybody respects us including our foes...

Aduhai

Panjang2 i tulis tadi, tetiba IE ni wat hal lak. sebbek jugak sal duk kutuk2 orang aje :P selamat pahalaku di bukan Ramadan ini...

Miri.... KB My City... :))

it was a great trip.. :)) i went to miri last week, for business trip (plus leisure trip). a big regret, i forgot to ensure about the ppe especially life jacket making all of us except me couldnt manage to go to betty.. what a shame...

betty is a quite, nice & far platform. with fish swimming in its blue sea background. cute, solemn and full with love... :) [not everyday...]

miri... i think nothing more or less than KB. but wonder why la semua orang pun kalo imagine pasal KB mesti yg bukan2 ajer. adeke pi tanya KB ada supermarket ke tak? adeh adeh adeh. ada gak yg tanyer ada KFC ke tak. adeh adeh adeh. ingat orang KB ni duk lam gua ke apa...

Aku Pulang...

last nite my bro sms me ... "berita sedih. chek dah tak ada..."

chek is my great grand dad. he passed away at his 102 year old. al-Fatihah to him & may Allah bless him. ameen.

saya anak MALAYSIA!

tahun depan minyak naik lagi. itu yg sudah confirm. kenapa minyak asyik naik aje? adakah semua keuntungan Petronas diseleweng? kenapa Petronas tidak mengembalikan saja minyak2 yg dicarigalikan itu kepada rakyat Malaysia yang amat memerlukannya? kenapa Petronas untung berbilion hanya utk mengenyangkan poket2 tertentu? kenapa keuntungan Petronas itu tidak dikurangkan ntuk membantu rakyat membeli minyak?

tersebutlah kisah pada suatu masa dahulu. seperti yang sudah disedia maklum bahawa 1/4 daripada sumber minyak adalah dari teluk mexico dan sebahagian besar lagi dari negara arab & sebahagian kecik dari negara2 cam Malaysia nih la. pada waktu itu pengaruh negara2 arab pengeluar minyak ini amat kuat lagi kukuh, dan kerana mereka inilah minyak murah. kerana, apabila amerika menggunakan kebijaksanaan mereka menjadikan harga minyak naik, maka negara2 arab pengeluar minyak akan mengeluarkan lebih banyak minyak sekaligus menurunkan harga minyak or at least kenaikannya tidak mencanak2 seperti kes baby2 di hospital sung*i peta*i.

namun kini, blok2 minyak di negara2 arab tersebut telah dimonopoli.. oleh siapa? takkanlah malaysia kot, even Petronas pun tak masuk iraq lagi... oleh yg demikian paham2 sajalah kenapa minyak dunia suka sangat naik harga...

lagi satu tentang kenapa Malaysia mengeksport minyak bagus, dan import minyak arab tuk kegunaan rakyat, dahla mahal kan... cuba pikir sikit, kalau kita ada ikan tenggiri yg besar, kalau kita makan ikan tu, bolehla makan.. tapi kalau kita jual then kita akan dapat beli ikan kembung, ikan kerisi, ikan bilis, siap boleh beli sayur mayur lagi, yg mana lebih bagus? simpan ikan tenggiri sendiri makan or jual utk dpt lg banyak faedah? ataupun, kita ada beras wangi tapi boleh makan 6 orang je, tapi kalau kita jual & beli beras biasa, akan dapat makan 12 orang.. yg mana lagi bagus?

sesungguhnya, saya amat PANAS sekali bila orang berbicara soal harga minyak & menuduh Petronas & kerajaan zalim, makan duit rakyat, etc. etc.

bukak sikit minda tu... jangan asik piki pasal MAWI aje... pikila global sikit, baru betul WORLD!

Keajaiban yang Berlaku

Kes 1

situasi : Di KLIA semasa hantar Angah fly to India.
tertuduh : Mak kawan Angah.
mangsa : akuler.
quote : "Ni adik Fid ke?"

Kes 2

situasi : Di hospital bersama uda, ayah & kawannya.
tertuduh : Kawan ayah.
mangsa : Uda (adikku no 4)
quote : "Ni anak sulung ke?"

ooh doniaaa!!! apakah aku terlalu cute??? :)))

My EnglisH

ghee... my english is getting worse day by day. i can't reply my mentor because i lost my words! even, i couldn't understand him recently (i was the one who could understand his ascent while everyone else was just pretending). is it because i did not practice english? but i do write in english, read english magazine, even use english to communicate with my pokcik's boy. haduila.. what had happen?

yesterday, i took a colleague from miri a ride to serdang ktm station. i wasn't fun because.. i took quite a long tym to reply, hoho! hmm... how could this be... even i failed to understand what those whitemen said in several meetings i attended. hwaaa!!! WHO SWITCHED MY ENGLISH POWER OFF??!!!

Harga Minyak Tak Naik

syukurla harga minyak tak naik sampai ujung tahun. hehe. tak penah aku dengar ada orang cakap canie, besanya "ala, tahun naik lagie!'. gaji aku pun naik jugak & dgn kenaikan gaji itu bermakna aku kena bayar income tax dan tolak tolak sama jugak dengan asal. what to say? aku lagi suka gaji yg dulu, tak payah bayar income tax.

tapi per yg kita suka tu bukan selalunya yg terbaik. kita aje yg tak tahu kan? kalau kita tak suka harga minyak naik tinggi macam negara lain, malah amerika pun rm8/liter.. (convert la sdr). katekanla minyak kita murah cam kat saudi, last aku pegi bln 6 haritu 90sen seliter, waaa sonok la kita. penyeludup minyak pun seronok jugek, yela negara jiran sumernya berganda2.

kan? penah piki tak?

Selamat Berpuasa

saya ingin mengucapkan selamat berpuasa kepada mak&ayah,adik2 serta family di kadok, jerantut, shah alam, setiawangsa, kajang, perak, kedah, besut etc; kawan² tersayang di seluruh malaysia especially rumetku di miri, kay di tepi aku ni (tuan punye pc), efie &co. di uia & tidak lupa kepada bestfffrrreeeennndddku terchenta KT. tak lupa juga kepada adik2 utp tersayang, samada dah grad atau masih di utp, adikku tersayang ngah di india, fatin di penang, apitt di bangi & noly di keramat. juga tak lupa pada bos yg dikasihi serta rakan² sepejabat yg diingati selalu. kepada geng² camkooljer yg sentiasa cool aje! utpian batch jan 2000, especially pada pokcik tercenta yg berada di kertih, kenghkawan smach 99, juga tak lupa pada wan & aki yg sentiasa berada di sisiku, dan juga bakal ibu mertua&bapak mertuaku .. dan kepada semua pihak yang mengenali diri ini.

I LURRRVE U ALL!

When The Going Gets Tough...

3am this morning i wake up and suddenly thought "am i alive? why am i?" it was actually the repetative question that i'd ask myself for these 2 months. when i am a complete stress, the only thing comes to my mind is 'drive in a high speed so that the impact of collision with a big lorry would kill me'. but i am not a fast driver, a competent ones neither. so speeding by myself won't kill me. riding on a bus with the same hipe, but still the driver is a smart one and it doesn't work. again i am alive.

for 2 months i assume my life was just 'life must go on..'. with no hope, no direction, no drive, no food, no money..... and the obvious thing is no attention to my ownself and i was getting darker and thinner. my life creeped with no direction and just played around the same bushes everyday. that was bad, huh! yeah it's really.. and the most humilitating thing that sulking me.

urgh, i dunno. when all hopes are like raindrop, fall down without mercy (rain is actually a mercy), there's no reason for me to live anymore. everyday i just count everysecond from the sun goes up and goes down to face a new day without passion. no good thing, or even nothing to enjoy on. everything is just like fog and mist. very blur.

but up to last 3am i realize that... life is not a choice. it is a choice to live in what manner but to stay alive is mandatory. why did those things happen to me... it is just like a process of making china. a soft clay won't make any unless it is baked in a very high temperature. so do i want to stay being a dough of clay of a beautiful china? a process of Allah's education is not simply by giving you a talent or gift so that you will face this life easily. He teaches us with high pressure and temperature until we feel something like crack but it is actually a transformation of our innerself to be stronger. no harm.

even if i am still sad and some kind of furious feeling, but i hope this will end. by today. or maybe tomorrow. i was sick of being under influence of other's perception. this is my life, my destination and i am the one who responsible drive it. i'm sick i'm sick.

but, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. thank for the lesson.

still tQ to tij for this update. kui³

Bacalah & Kau Akan Tahu...

Pikiranku
Tak dapat kumengerti
Kaki dikepala
Kepala dikaki
Pikiranku
Patutnya menyadari
Siapa yang harus
Dan tak harus kucari

Tetapi tak dapat ku mengerti

Sesuatu
Yang baru kusadari
Kau tinggalkanku
Tanpa sebab yang pasti
Sesuatu yang harusnya terjadi
Kau sakiti aku
Kau yang harus kubenci

Tetapi tak dapat kumengerti
Tetapi tak dapat kumengerti

Ku mencari sesuatu yang telah pergi
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci
Ku mencari sesuatu yang tak kembali
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci

Ku mencari
Ketap tak dapat kutemui
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci

-PeterPan-

Tau Takper...

ye lah. lam idup kita ni sapa2 pun mesti rasa dia adalah makhluk paling cambest dalam donia ni. tingat plak perbualan ngan sorang kakak tu, (typical issue) tentang penziarahan di rumah sakit. kakak & co. pernah wat lawatan ke sebuah hospital & sorang pakcik memberitahu "pakcik xpenah tgk orang ISLAM datang wat lawatan kat sini, kalau kristian tu mmg salu ade.." a very small thing tapi takde sapa yg pedulik. padahal kalau ikutkan ada ramai yang menggelar diri mereka 'pendokong Islam' kat Malaysia ni. most (aku cakap most, bukan all) cuma tahu menyelar orang lain tapi... sendiri mau ingatla. bak kata DJ2 era, tau takper!

tak ramai orang yang sanggup tuk berbuat daripada buat2. benda yang paling intimate dalam diri, hati sendiri pun susah giler nak dijaga. masih busuk hati, masih prejudis, pandang slek, etc. etc. tp yg sadisnya semua tu dilakukan atas tujuan yg betul.

apakah peranan kita dalam mengambil berat kaum muslimin? apakah dengan menyelar sesetengah golongan sedangkan golongan yang patut dibantu itu, orang lain yg terlebih dulu ke depan membantu. dengan menyelar adakah mampu kita mengubah rentak seseorang itu, atau lebih bagus drp membantu? semasa bencana Katrina, negara semiskin Afghanistan pun menawarkan bantuan & adakah Afghan menyelar Amerika kerana Katrina?

masih igt peristiwa dalam lrt satu hari yg mana seorang pemuda cina termuntah & semua pengguna lrt tersebut (termasuk aku? tak, tak, aku duk jauh) buat2 tak nampak je kat insan malang tu. mujurla seorang pakcik yg baik hati membantu comfortkan mamat tu & carikan dia tempat duduk (yg insan2 kat seat tu pon wat muka bodooooo je). maka tepatlah seperti iklan mamat tido dalam lrt yg femes kat TV tuhari sempena kempen budi bahasa budaya kita... manala pegi insan2 prihatin kat Malaysia ni yek...

lagi satu, sejak aku kerja ngan pet ni aku lagi rasa sayang kat pet & negara aku. walaupun harga minyak naik tp ALHAMDULILLAH kenaikannya takde sampai macam kat yaman tu. 100% naik beb! kat sini naik seposen dua pun dan bising2, bolot RM rakyat la ape la, tak guna hasil bumi ngan baik la, etc. kalo aku tak keje pet for sure aku pun termasuk dalam golongan yang 'pet tak gune, dpt untung berbilion tapi keje menindas rakyat je'. ALHAMDULILLAH, Allah tu Maha Kaya, walaupun aku cuma kuli dalam pet tapi sekuli2 aku dalam pet, lagi kuli lagi aku depan Allah. adekah betol kerajaan makan RM rakyat ataupun rakyat yang tak reti bersyukur, tak reti manage RM, boros, etc. kenapa tak boleh terima minyak naik harga adalah kerana Allah yang jadikan. lebih2 lg ngan tofan katrina & rita yg mengkucar kacirkan field kat teluk mexico yang menyumbang 1/4 hasil minyak dunia tu, salah kerajaan Malaysia jugak ke. fortunately harga minyak tak naik pun. tapi bila selalu melihat pada black side memang susah la nak terima benda positif di sebaliknya.

kerja ngan pet jugak menjadikan aku sorang insan yg amat bertuah. walaupun gaji aku seciput je kalo nak dibanding dengan syarikat2 besar lain tapi aku ada masa tuk diri sendiri. & most pet adalah melayu yg Islam. so far (masa depan tataula kan), im very comfortable. walopon birokrasi, politik tapi semua tu alhamdulillah so far xdela mengganggu sal aku pun takdela target nak jadi CEO ke, tp orang kata alang2 menyeluk pekasam biar sampai ke pangkal lengan, alang2 keje tu jgn r jadi orang bese je. bukan pasal mengejar dunia tapi Rasulullah pun ada bersabda bahwa Allah menyukai seseorang yg setiap kali wat keje akan wat dengan lebih baik dari before. tak pulak baginda sebut keje apa, so at least kene ada target dalam bekerja walaupun nak pegi course sebanyak mungkin!

ya Allah, janganlah Kau masukkan daku dalam golongan futur... susah sangat, atau buat2 susah. dulu (semasa menanam anggur) aku rasa sedih sangat bila aku baca bendalah yg penah aku buat dulu pasal aku tak rasa apa2. aku rasa itu cuma lah satu lembaran yg tak membawa makna apa2. sejak tu baru aku dapat rasa akan makna pembinaan iman yg pernah aku diskas bersama hanis 3 tahun nan silam. bila sebut pembinaan, construction dalam kepala ni akan terbayang bangunan2, jalan2 yang very messy & sgt dahsyat rupanya. debu, kotor, bising etc. cuba kalo kita stop construction tu. lagila buruk... & mungkin xdpt nak disambung lg dgn bahan asal pasal dah obsolete. sejak tu aku mula menyelidik kat mana foundation aku, apa jenisnya, pile ke, pad ke, raft ke.. pasal aku rasa seblom ni main pakai rumah pasang siap aje. memang nampak cantik tapi jap je crack... maklumla skg ni pakai instant lagi senang, kan?

sejak tu aku mula rasa bersalah pada kawan2 sepasukan aku yg aku pernah tinggal satu masa dulu. orang kata, sayang anak tangan2kan, sayang bini tinggal2kan... hehe, sama la cam bini kan? tinggal sebab sayang.... aku tak salahkan kontraktor yg membina rumah pasang siap aku tu tapi aku yang masa tu tak reti utk buat rumah jenis yg macamana, main bedal je janji lawa. siap2 tu plak, silapnye aku lupa nak solat hajat naik rumah, ada ke pegi wat party... patutla tak berkat...

sekarang ni hidup aku sederhana ajela. wat apa aku nak selar sapa2 sedangkan aku pun tak buat apa2 kan. even orang tak tahu apa yang kita buat tapi Allah Maha Mengetahui...

-rabbighfirli wa li walidaiyya war ham huma kama robbayani soghiraa wa li jami'i lmuslimina wal muslimat wal mu'minina wal mu'minat wal mu'allimina wal mu'allimat wassodiqina wal ssodiqat.. al ahyaa i min hum wal amwaat... amien-

Kisah Aku Dan Dia

adus. macam ada somebody bgtau lepas baca 'men are from mars women are from venus' tadik "u just nk luahkan perasaan u, bukan nakkan solution kan?" ha'ah ye lah tu. but then selepas berbulan2 pun tak heal2 lagi perasaan ni haaa...

nak citer sikit cemana aku start2 keje khas utk Naa (ur phone number is safe wif me lar)... & entry ni saya nak tujukan pada someone kalau2 beliau terbaca ke... sebab tak reti la nak cakap depan2, sori la yek...

hari permulaan memang saya weng sikit pasal ada sedikit hipokrasi berlaku. bukan sengaja nak wat camtu tau, maybe sebab shock or excited sangat. maklumla... jadik engineer kan, benda yg never2 ever terlintas lam pikiran, maybe the last thing la. but then Allah is the best planner, finally Dia put saya kat tempat yang tak pernah terlintas pun nak pergi. bukan salah saya kan?

dan disebabkan kesilapan budus di hari pertama tu, memberi impak yg sangat dahsyat dalam karier saya sampai la ke hari ini. bukan hari pertama je tapi hari2 berikutnya. naper? saya pun tak tahu la. tak ada orang cakap kat saya pantang larang itu ini dalam kerja2 cenggini. saya pun apalagi memang eksaited & teruja tau... dahla saya memang suka wat keje ikut suka hati sendiri. lepas kene sound dengan beliau barula sedar. tapi saya bukannya lawan cakap... saya tol2 innocent walaupun nampak cam keras & degil (kot). kalau ikutkan ati saya pun takndak keje kat situ tapi nak buat cemana... saya hanya akur pd kehendak takdir.

sekali piki memang la saya yang salah... tapi adakah saya patut dihukum atas kejahilan? saya memang betul2 tak tahu tau, bukannya sengaja, bukan nak berlagak atau tunjuk terel. takde sapa yang nak bagitau itu ini... dah tu saya nak buat cemana. saya rasa inferior bila nak berdepan ngan beliau, tak tau la apsal. saya dah cuber2 nak membiasakan diri tapi takleh jugak. saya rasa cam ada gap yg saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangat dalam antara saya ngan beliau. naper? adakah saya atau beliau yg berpoblem?

saya cube tuk mendekati beliau, tapi cam asik kene rejek je. lagipun saya ni bukan seorang seducer, memang la tak reti nak seduce2 orang ni. saya bukan kaki bodek jugak. adeh, kenapa la gini lak jadiknyer. saya tak bermaksud nak wujudkan gap tp dah terwujud pon. saya nak buat cemana? saya pun tatau la. saya nak la at least ada session yang saya hadapi ngan beliau out of work's scope. tapi tak penah berjaya. adakah saya yang canggung?

tolongla... saya nak clearkan yg mana keruh. saya sayang kat dia tapi naper dia wat derk je ngan saya? saya pun tatau la nakwat cemana? nak saya bagi bunga ke? kalau ye pun mara kat saya jangan r layan saya macam ni... tolongla cakap2 ngan saya jugak. saya rasa macam terbuli je kat ofis tu, terbuli oleh benda yg saya pun taktau. saya budak baru belajar kalau salah tolong tunjukkan. ye, saya memang suka wat benda2 yg tak betul lagi x patut dan sebagainya. sound la saya tak apa.. saya tak kisah, saya tak pernah melawan, kan? tolongla jangan biarkan saya wat salah tanpa kawalan (if any). saya tak pandai nak wat macam orang lain. masa belajar pun saya main redah je, sampai satu tahap (either xdpt solve sendiri or dah jadi bubur...) baru saya cari orang tuk bantu. saya mtk maafla banyak2 kalau sikap saya tu yg menjadikan saya alien. saya cuba untuk ubah dia, kalau benda tu salah. cuma, tolongla bagitau saya kalau langkah saya pincang. cemana saya nak check, saya pun tak tahu cemana step yang betul.

tolongla kasihani saya dan berila saya peluang......

terima kasih.

Family Day...

talking about family day reminds me to my family. i miss them very2 much especially my mak, ayah, brother uda (fahrin ahmad versi hitam), & jay at home, angah at manipal & abecit in bangi. i seldom call home because i can't help myself when listen to my mak's voice. longing...

my department's family day was a very complete event today. i was the emcee (what a ...). not so much fun cos i couldn't take part in any game (just lazy), and my mission wasn't accoomplished. till next year maybe...

family... something that we must carry... everywhere we go. family & friends, till forever...

Loving You

i'm not a success lover since my lovelife has never been a life. since i knew love and tried to seek it, it wasn't come over and till now i am living without any person called 'my love'. and i was about a loser for this failure in finding my love on. but as time goes by and i'd make use to it, love is something untouchable and not concrete.

my love now is for my mom, dad, sis, bros and the first and foremost is for myself. forget about my other half cuz i believe not that we are created very complete and no other half in us, everything is one. and when somebody comes, it'll be two. two might be a bit crowded now.

i love to be loved but love then suddenly left is the most dissappointing point in my life. either i left of that particular person leave me is not the matter but the matter is love & leave is no more than carving on rock. the groove will be there. no matter who, frens or what, love then leave is an ache.

hope our memory of love will remain in my heart, dear M&M (Mekah&Madinah).

life is... ?

FAIR
ENOUGH

My Lenses

since i wear contact lense 4 years ago (on-off), it was always uncomfortable feeling on my right eyes, feeling blur, itchy, etc. but it wasnt that comfort and i didnt know why. even if after replacing with a new lense, it was still the same. yesterday (only yesterday) i found out why. it was because of a small taik lalat near my black eye (dunno the scientific name). yeah...!

Me, Now....

im not feeling well today.flu... demam & rasa xlarat. yesterday, while i was trying to serve a cup of tea to noly, the teapot suddenly pitched and the hot water ran through my left hand. ouch! it was very2 hurt! suddenly i poured my hand with tap water. no minyak gamat, so i used toothpaste. my hand was like burning... no, it was boiled! my cooked hand turn into red and i couldn't even touch it. ache. but within the pain, i have to rush to shah alam. but alhamdullillah it didnt make me handicap. ahaks. my hand is still sexy as usual. but then i felt lucky for that, how if the thing was hot oil? or burning petrol? i might be lose my hand! actually it was a series injury occured on my hands. i was started with my right thumb, having a spot of internal bleeding and i broke it using a pinneedle,haha. followed by the boiling water, and then i dont sure what made my right finger cut and bleeded. but i wonder why this time i face everything on my own, doesnt like previous, whenever i got hurt or injured, somebody else who is very close to my heart would feel it too. but not this time. anything wrong?

nah, nvm... aha, something is crossing my mind.. maybe some people out there are making grapevine about my new appearance (i said, maybe, i dont know..). actually it doesnt offend me at all but it ain't fair if i dont speak up my word here. when i entered utp as a girl of the street, nobody care who i was. nobody knew me. but then after that turning point, seemed like eveybody wanted to be my friend. and some people loved to watch me from far. and making some gossips. and it was a bad thing, actually i dont even care about what people say behind me (bad things), but when people talk about 'my appearance' it was actually effect the whole performance of the other very2 good girls.i wasn't those good girls neither.

so i decided to be a normal person, not because of 'saya tidak layak..' but 1) i dont want people to see me as an alien (like what some of my frends saw & thought that i just know how to read & talk). 2) i dont want to be a black sheep (easy to recognize amongst the whites) then people will se me often 3) i just want to be a normal person.but it wasn't change my determination. my resolution is still to be what i decided to be before insyaAllah. but for the meantime i want to change lot of things, and the must is my relationship with frens who are always be beside me, i want to fix it, and with everybody else. it need a rejuvenation and revamp, and bit by bit. i hope after something happen to me, everything will change. but i dont know when, and would i? i love to be with all my friends, no matter who they are, geng KGB, geng cacat, geng terencat, geng *emaah, geng masjid, geng budak2, geng *r, geng rosak akhlak, etc. all are my frens and all are human like me. who could tell, which person'll go to heaven first?

but then, i am still keeping a secret hope. may ALLAH bless me.

A Tribute To Khaties

selama ini kumencari-cari
teman yg sejati
buat menemani
perjuangan suci

bersyukur kini
padaMu Ilahi
teman yg dicari selama ini
telah kutemui

dengannya di sisi
bolehlah aku mengupdet blogku

hahahaha!

3 Permintaan...

My cute brother, Pess (I got 3 bros named Hafiz) asked me a question that I dunno what I supposed to say. "Kalo akak diberi 3 permintaan, apa akak nak mintak?". But then my quick brain suddenly gave me an idea to answer "Akak mintak lagi tambah seploh permintaan". Hahaha. That reminded me to ShinChan’s story, in one episode where they are all back to zaman Aladdin, and Si Putih (Shiro) was the genie.. that Shiro asked them for 3 permintaan. You know what, 1st permintaan from ShinChan "saya nak prempuan pakai b*k*n*". 2nd was from papa "saya pun nak satula". And mama ended everything with "hilangkah semuanya!"

Phew… that was the first shinchan I watched since I move to KL. Staying with my Aki at Kepong, when I started to watch 7pm’s cartoon he would say "Isk, mana ada kartun time2 canie, berita je la". So, no more cartoon…

Back to the 3 requests story… if I am given it, 3 things I would ask for might be.. 1) a patient heart 2) a real life 3) be a rich person. I asked for a patient heart so that when everything comes to me like cats and dogs, I’ll still smiling and pretend like nothing happen and could think wisely. A real life is what, a life a Muslim should have. Not only the ‘hajiyyat’ (necessary) but also the ‘takhsiniyyat’ (accessory). But now, life is just like a simple human being, same like other people… this is not good for a Muslim rite. And wealth, is not rolling on the money. But rich in ruhiyah, rich at heart, rich with mahmudah (good) values.

All those things are not gifted (at least to me), and havta work for it.
When I look at everybody around me, I feel so small. And feeling a bit jealous because they manage to get the ideal life (from my eyes), something that I am don’t have. But still, life is an intimate thing, and only we know what we’ve been through…

MerdeKa!!!

merdeka nite:

- watched konsert merdeka KLCC, waiting for KRU. hahak.
- witnessed firecracker with MJ in front of our house at keramat.
- prayed for the long lasting of Malaysia and blessed.

merdeka day:

- woke up by a call from moksu da.
- prepared nasik ayam for brunch.
- went to ayahsu wan's house at setiawangsa. what a crazy niece, this is the fisrt time i visit him after almost 2 months in KL!
- took moksu da & friends to sogo.
- hang out with MJ at ampang point, looking for contact lenses. i decided to wear color lenses, hahak! brown might be good...
- discovered something, but it was very2 okay..

even if nobody asks me this, but i ask myself "what's the meaning of MERDEKA for you, along?"
merdeka, is independent. it is that we live under our own identity, witout any intruder's influence. as our identity is Muslim and Malay too, we have to defend our identity of Muslim and Malay. thank you.

my hope for merdeka is, that i can be myself as true as i can be. i am a Muslimah and Allah's slave, nothing more than that. but in fact i am still a human with a heart of stone. hopefully i will end my life as a Mujahidah even if i won't be in any physical war. hope for peace forever... MERDEKA MALAYSIA!!!

and i love my new outfit. haha. i'm gonna buy a turkey robe someday (when i have enough money).