Straight from My Gut...

F.O.R.T.U.N.E. what the hell is it?

1. An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another

2. A large amount of wealth or prosperity

3. An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that leads to a favourable outcome

4. Your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you)

in bahasa it's simply called R E Z E K I.
until now i still do not understand what fortune really is. is it happiness? or wealthiness? or healthiness?

when somebody get married then the rest would say "rezeki dia.." is marriage a fortune? i knew that a marry-at-early-age woman is berkah. i am not married, so am i not berkah? am i that bad? but when i mention that i wanna get married why the respective company will say "dah gatal sangat ke.. takleh nak sabar dah.."

sincerely, IF i don't have MALE friends that may lead myself into any wicked stuffs i may not think about this seriously. this made me think several times.. WHY does ALLAH let me to experience such this skanky life that drives me crazy many times than giving me a family... i pray everyday for having a good husband whom able to hold my hand and take to a place called heaven. but it is like a bullshit. i lie to myself, and to others too. my life becomes miserable without anyone knows about it.

i should not publish this to public, but i'm sick. i am not a kinda gurl that look at any sinful thing as a small matter. i used to deceive my friends, several times and i finally regret. even if it was not purposely a lying but to hide something that cannot be known by anybody, but in fact i told them lies. i felt sinful. guilty. and regret until today. i am marked in my record book by sir 'atid as "liar". terrible isn't it.
why my life is so puzzled. IF i could choose, i wanna get close to my family. but nothing to choose.. i'd been chosen to walk in the puddle of the mud.

why?

i guess i know the answer...

fear Allah. i am very afraid. i do not sure where am i now. or am i doing the right things.

i am very notty.

i fail to perform as His virtuos slave.

keji.

busuk.

huduh.

dual personality that i have confused me. like numanuma that i do not understand sepatah haram. which path should i step into? rasa bersalah yang teramat. tak mampu nak balik semula. hitam. keji. keji. keji. bersalah pada Al-Amalulillah.

i tried to live like others. as usual. take it easy. but in the end i'll find myself confuse again. feeling guilty again. again. and over again. then live as usual again. then guilty again.

i seek for help. i dunno where's the answer. too noisy.

i don't desperately want his love, but i need HIS love. dear ALLAH, why do you test me like hell. i'm burning. i'm a deadmeat.

ya ALLAH... ya ALLAH.. ya ALLAH...~~


Berdoalah,nescaya aku perkenankan untukmu

Apabila Allah melepaskan lidahmu untuk memohon,ketahuilah bahawa Allah hendak memberi kamu.

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kekuatan
Allah memberiku kesulitan agar aku menjadi kuat

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kebijaksanaan
Allah memberiku masalah untuk di pecahkan

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah kesejahteraan
Allah memberiku akal untuk berfikir

Ketika kumohon kepada Allah keberanian
Allah memberiku bahaya untuk kuatasi

Ketika kumohon Allah sebuah cinta
Allah memberiku orang orang bermasalah untuk ku tolong

Ketika ku mohon kepada Allah bantuan Allah memberikanku kesempatan

i just wanna be. someone who is.. good. must be very expensive, huh! huge price to pay. large energy. monstrous effort. gigantic hope. sacrifice.