When The Going Gets Tough...
3am this morning i wake up and suddenly thought "am i alive? why am i?" it was actually the repetative question that i'd ask myself for these 2 months. when i am a complete stress, the only thing comes to my mind is 'drive in a high speed so that the impact of collision with a big lorry would kill me'. but i am not a fast driver, a competent ones neither. so speeding by myself won't kill me. riding on a bus with the same hipe, but still the driver is a smart one and it doesn't work. again i am alive.
for 2 months i assume my life was just 'life must go on..'. with no hope, no direction, no drive, no food, no money..... and the obvious thing is no attention to my ownself and i was getting darker and thinner. my life creeped with no direction and just played around the same bushes everyday. that was bad, huh! yeah it's really.. and the most humilitating thing that sulking me.
urgh, i dunno. when all hopes are like raindrop, fall down without mercy (rain is actually a mercy), there's no reason for me to live anymore. everyday i just count everysecond from the sun goes up and goes down to face a new day without passion. no good thing, or even nothing to enjoy on. everything is just like fog and mist. very blur.
but up to last 3am i realize that... life is not a choice. it is a choice to live in what manner but to stay alive is mandatory. why did those things happen to me... it is just like a process of making china. a soft clay won't make any unless it is baked in a very high temperature. so do i want to stay being a dough of clay of a beautiful china? a process of Allah's education is not simply by giving you a talent or gift so that you will face this life easily. He teaches us with high pressure and temperature until we feel something like crack but it is actually a transformation of our innerself to be stronger. no harm.
even if i am still sad and some kind of furious feeling, but i hope this will end. by today. or maybe tomorrow. i was sick of being under influence of other's perception. this is my life, my destination and i am the one who responsible drive it. i'm sick i'm sick.
but, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. thank for the lesson.
still tQ to tij for this update. kui³
for 2 months i assume my life was just 'life must go on..'. with no hope, no direction, no drive, no food, no money..... and the obvious thing is no attention to my ownself and i was getting darker and thinner. my life creeped with no direction and just played around the same bushes everyday. that was bad, huh! yeah it's really.. and the most humilitating thing that sulking me.
urgh, i dunno. when all hopes are like raindrop, fall down without mercy (rain is actually a mercy), there's no reason for me to live anymore. everyday i just count everysecond from the sun goes up and goes down to face a new day without passion. no good thing, or even nothing to enjoy on. everything is just like fog and mist. very blur.
but up to last 3am i realize that... life is not a choice. it is a choice to live in what manner but to stay alive is mandatory. why did those things happen to me... it is just like a process of making china. a soft clay won't make any unless it is baked in a very high temperature. so do i want to stay being a dough of clay of a beautiful china? a process of Allah's education is not simply by giving you a talent or gift so that you will face this life easily. He teaches us with high pressure and temperature until we feel something like crack but it is actually a transformation of our innerself to be stronger. no harm.
even if i am still sad and some kind of furious feeling, but i hope this will end. by today. or maybe tomorrow. i was sick of being under influence of other's perception. this is my life, my destination and i am the one who responsible drive it. i'm sick i'm sick.
but, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. thank for the lesson.
still tQ to tij for this update. kui³
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