Wuttahell...

i dunno other word than "sorry". i feel so regret. i made lots of complaints and sumpah seranah. but ice is still ice. cold... freeze...

i thought by whimpering i could make a boulder plastic. but i couldn't. my wail worth a demn. demn i feel like hell. even, when i accepted a call from somebody, asking me out to somewhere, a place where everybody dreams for, i felt nothing. i felt completely nothing. i kept on killing myself by doing the same things.. whimpering, fighting, wacking around...

i looked at the invitation card. it was my name... yeah, it's absolutely me! but why i didn't feel the spirit of invitation? i didn't celebrate it, while others, got into a demn excitement. demn... demn... (how many demn daaa..). why? why? why?

i am so afraid. i really want to go to the party... but... but.. i dunno.. i feel nothing. no, not nothing, but lots of things. feeling sorry, feeling regret, feeling shame, feeling... argh, so many things! i feel so shy... i'm not so good.. yeah, i'm bad. disloyal. dirty. foul. tak sedar diri. hina. keji. but still... i've a desire to join the best party ever. oh dear...

i'm lost. like a nusus naturae. or maybe alien. i am terasing di bumi sendiri. i feel like a pontianak!

i am cringed. i am so low. ugly. i feel so ugly. like i am falling into a puddle of muddy water. yuck.. so ugly! even, the ugly duckling is more beautiful! warghhh! why shuld this.. happen.. to me...

please... take my hands... i am incredibly weak...

-and perform properly the Hajj & Umrah for Allah...-2:196