my burning desire

I have a desire that is burning inside me and always make me toss and turn everynite. I count everysecond til the sun goes down, hoping for my dream to be true. But until the dawn comes again and again, I still can't have it. I asked myself. Is it because of my uncountable sins, so my prayer isn't answered. I cry everytime I say it, crestfallen, as I feel I have nowhere to go. If He doesn't hear to me, who will? I feel very alone and isolate. I'm depress. I forget that I am only a little slave, and I forget His advise not to give up hope of His Mercy. I blamed myself to be such that evil and impious and the consequence is I stand up as nobody in front of Him. I really feel that I am nobody. Even if He invites me to stand in front of Him, I feel nothing. I feel that, it is just nothing and I am nothing to Him.

Even, I ever forget what for He sent me here. I ever thinking about He just wants me to fill His damned hell! I am that bad, huh. It just the thing that I can't help when I have no strength to endure the life's challenges. I'm fatigue. Life is suck. It's sucking my body's fluid.

But, His promises is true. He Knows best. I am a fool again. I rather follow my heart than listen to Him. I forget that my heart is not that red. It's yellow maybe [What kind of Hepatitis I am suffer?]. Now I know why He doesn't answer me. He just wants me to talk to Him more. He misses my voice. He wants me to tell Him my problems, and Him alone. I feel so embarras. He doesn't mad at me even if I accuse Him what my heart drives me to say. He still loves to hug me.

I learned it from flowers that suddenly bloom in front of my house. I told myself one day "It must be a good thing if I can plant the creeping yellow flowers at the bank of the stream in front my house. But, I dunno where to get it and how to plant it".

2 or 3 days after I said that, I was amazed by the flower that I had in my imagination, blooming happily exactly at the place I wanted it to be. Is it a miracle? But then I learned that, He is right. He will fulfill everydream of mine. But He decides the time. I love the flower and I take it as a gift from Him to ease me.

I can smile now. I won't stop praying and talking to Him. I know He will realize my dream. I know now that He listens to me. I feel nobody no more. Now I am somebody. I don't care for being such this lonely, because I have Him. I can smile now. I promise.

I was a fool. A real fool for blaming my fate. What more can I say than a great ignorant, for fighting with fate? I don't wanna fight but enjoy my fate. I don't want to lose my hope anymore. I am dregs no. My wish will be come true. I believe it.

I can't sleep everything I ever knew
is a lie without you
I can't breath when my heart is broke in two
there's no beat, without you
You're not gone, but you're not here
At least that's the way it seems tonight
If we could try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
Cause...

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
& this loneliness that's in my heart
wont let me be apart from you
I don't want to have the try
To live without you in my life
so I'm hoping we can start tonight
cause I don't wanna fight
NO MORE...

How can I live
When everything that I adore
And everything I'm living for
It's in you
I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had
Is being with you
I know that I can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Lets not leave myrselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line

Remember that I made a vow that I would
never let you go
I mean it then I mean it now and I
want to tell you so

Pasrah segalanya...