i am alone

i feel so down these recent days. feel like i'm a fish out of water. pain in my neck. neglected. unfortunate. unlucky. disregarded. i remember a conversation with one of my friend, about our friends who are very lucky, for me, for getting consistent in their chosen way of life. she said "they're helped". yea, they're blessed with judicious mind, peeps around 'em are very supportive, even if they face lots of trouble but they're still happy for being in their way of choice. but i'm not! i just didn't! why me? am i too wicked? why can't i get the assistance?

sometimes i feel this life is stabbing my back. i just can't keep up with my own life, my own target, my own hope! i feel hopeless. everything that happen is like a needle that curl me inside. everything, you see! this is intolerable. like all my hopes go to pot. nothing's left but tear and discontented. i have nobody with me to share my agony. all i have is myself, down in drain by myself. no hand to hold.

thus, i asked for strength, then i get nothing but adversity. and this very cruel time is burning all my bridges. i get a raw deal. i needed wisdom but nothing comes out except difficulties, troubles, problems, those i can't ignore but i have to deal with. i am a dead meat sometimes. i wanted courage but fear comes, turn me into unbearable woe. i asked for love, but i don't ever get it. i just want to live in peace and tranquil, but it's just frenzy. am i good for nothing? am i sent to this world just to be a black sheep (baa baa black sheep have you any wool..?).

tired of feeling woebegone, suddenly my cerebral cerebration stop by and tells me...

when i asked for strength, Allah gave me difficulty to make me strong
when i asked for wisdom, Allah gave me problem to solve
when i asked for prosperity, Allah gave me brain to think
when i asked for courage, Allah gave me risky condition for me to overcome
when i asked for love, Allah gave me people in trouble to be helped
when i asked for help, Allah gave me oppotunity
i didn't get what i asked for, but i do get what i need

i guess i got the answer. His help does not come in a form of gifts, but efforts. things won't change, but i have to change my perspective. not only those who get the obvious aid are helped, but i am helped too. i'm trained to be strong to hold this life on my own. so that i don't need to rely on anybody.

the coast is clear. hopefully.

thank you Allah.