alone & lonely

i can't be alone, i swear. being alone is a disaster in my life. because why, the syaitanirrajim is very fond of anybody who stays alone. right now i am very alone in my room. i hate this actually even if i am prefer to be a lone ranger. i mean, i love being alone in me & myself not the whole situation is alone.

feeling lonely, i was but now i feel that it musn't be. even if i am alone but i don't ever feel lonely. one thing, cos i have this blog to work on. another thing, i have too much books collection to be read! (if only those books can talk...). and many more things. so alone, and feeling lonely is different things.

my most regret in life is feeling lonely. yeah, maybe for a girl at my age, ops, a woman (am i? or.. i am not a girl not yet a woman) feeling lonely is common. but it is just a feeling. it is nothing more than an emotion that drives by a weak heart and spirit. i shouldn't feel lonely, but i was. i swear it was a very very regretful moment in my life.

why should i feel lonely? i have a lot of fans and frens (mark the word fans ok, :P), and a great family of mine. phew... was i a fool? hmm, everybody was fool i think so. that's why we have to learn. and the greatest place to learn is the world itself. am i learning? are you learning, people? this world is cold. it is really innocent. how we , people, exploite this world and make it a cruel place ever.

the real cruelest horrible things are our hearts. reallly. if you see me and my sister. we are grown up at a same place, same house, same parents, same family.... but we're totally different. why? it's not about the place, it's about the hearts.

okay back to my regretful things. people say i am a stubborn. yes i am. that's why i don't wanna see those things again. let it goes, flies to the hell! what had happened won't come unless a miracle. i don't believe in miracle (now). miracle is very rare. my life is not a miracle of accidental. this is what wrote in lukh mahfuz, i believe. but we still have to be a hunter to find the true way of life.

yet i am alone and i feel so regret for this loneliness. everymoment i pray to Him, for sending me something to heal my feeling. but now i learn that, miracle could not be happen. i can't seat back, wait and relax anymore. i have to wake up and go out to find it. remember, miracle is nonsense.

i am a hunter.

"dan pada hari itu manusia berkata : 'ke manakah tempat lari?'. sekali-kali tidak! tidak ada tempat berlindung! hanya kepada Tuhanmu sajalah pada hari itu tempat kembali"

(75:10-12)